hey..

It starts..

Hey

Easy enough. Casual like old friends. Truth is we haven’t spoken for six months.

How are you..?

I tell him I am well enough.. and ask how he is..

Fuck………….. where would I start..?

In the past – even as little as six months ago – a message from him would make me flash up bright sparks of possibility.. sex amongst white crisp sheets.. glass doors onto the balcony.. white curtains billowing back.. fresh scent from the grassy banks of the river below..

Mr Money.

He has a minor rant about financial crises.. bad business partners.. ex lovers and ex wife..

I have a momentary thought Must have sex before Christmas..
But it is momentary.. and I wish him well. I don’t mention a catch up.. and I sneak offline feeling like I have been good to myself. Sex with Mr Money is just alright, it’s brief and on his terms. I can do better.

the hot italian takes a girl..

Afternoon in the presence of the hot italian. We spent a couple of hours wandering the markets and bargaining shopkeepers down on their prices.. Me in English and he in Italian, Greek, German, French.. whatever was needed.

On our way to have lunch at Abbotsford Convent – he called someone and invited them to join us..

He told me as he hung up,

I have invited the girl I have started seeing to come and meet us after lunch.

Cool. Great. I was curious.

Anyways. The Italian is hot. He is a hippy and all for communal living. He goes to all the earthy festivals and is into meditation, buddhism, smoking dope and living sustainably..

The new girl.. is.. a banker. She is a workaholic.. She is uber conservative. She is also not hot.
I couldn’t see a match on any level.. nothing..

She was a nice girl. Truly a nice girl. We yacked for a while and I didn’t sense an inch of tension from either of us. She wasn’t competitive or questioning why he chose to spend a few hours with me without her.. I was cool with her as well.. I am not in love with the man – although I wouldn’t mind having his children.. but that is purely a physical thing.. true.. So what I am saying is there was no jealousy on either side – not like other women I have met around him.

But. What this meandering post is all about is this.. I don’t think they have made a match. I looked at them and saw nothing – no togetherness.. and I thought..

It’s not just me who makes decisions based on filling a hole in my heart..

He was lonely. I know he was lonely for someone.. and he has chosen someone who is not the right fit. I do that sometimes too when I am lonely.

get it where [while] you can..

Feeling shabby, I wandered into the supermarket for dinner things.

Hi Mrs Hot Bum!

I hear behind me..

I turn.. A little vision impaired (bespectacled) 6 year old boy is giggling and running away down the aisle.. he turns and I grin at him and he grins back.

It’s enough to get a smile going, and it lasts.

And just because I love this man and his version of the same song..

life needs a little shake up..

I’ts 1pm and I am still in bed – sending texts and setting up my new space here.. Here..
What am I doing here? I am moving in my real life and virtual life.. and I’m desperate to keep the sands shifting beneath my feet. I haven’t landed yet. Not in the right place.

There is nobody for me. This week I have been thinking of calling the ex – boyfriend and saying.. Please forgive me I think I made a mistake..
It’s a pattern. I break off and then crawl back when I am tired of my own company and want to be with someone again. I live retrospectively. Looking to the past for my new future. For the record – it never never works.

For the first time in a long long time I look at myself and not like what I see. It’s not just today. I have felt like this for weeks. I am not liking me. I keep putting off seeing The Hot Italian because I am not beautiful. I feel less and less like people are impressed with me.. and more and more like I disappoint.

Out walking my dog I slump my shoulders and sigh – I am so depressed..
I am not depressed. I am able to get out of bed in the morning. So I know I am not too bad. But the feeling of disappointing people is overwhelming. Overwhelming. I guess that shows I am slightly paranoid as well?

And yet I still sit.. looking at the phone – the names of people I could call who may get me out of my self indulgent funk for a few hours make me sick in the stomach.. I hesitate.

Showering will be a little victory..
Sunshine may be what I need.