muse..

Eyes that sparkle like a ripple of sunlight
A smile that outshines the warmth of the day
The bright sound of flowers, the sweet smell of song
Pours from your face and floods where I lay

An ambient forest of misty elation
Envelopes my soul whenever you’re near
Impossible to realise the breadth of this joy
Wonderful Kim I love you I fear.

Max 03.09.90

Good god I loved that guy when I was 20. He is the man I left my [now alcoholic] boyfriend T for when at Uni. Max in turn broke my heart into bits when he took up with his ex-girlfriend because she smoked dope with him and I wouldn’t..
He was a musician/songwriter/poet.. and he was the full romantic deal. I woke up mornings with my bedroom full of flowers.. love notes and poems.. and a song. We had a song. I doubt I have ever had a song with anyone since..

Here is my song.. I love it still..

[oh shit] moments..

I knew I was financially retarded a long long whiles ago.. but as i sift through the paperwork of my past as I transition from one document file [my mother gave me for my 18th birthday] to the new one, I have found receipts [my stereo cost me $899 in 1994] and notes from the last guy who did my tax.. back.. in 1999.. I have found the income declarations of my parents as supporting documentation for my application for study subsidies back in 1989.. I have found random notes from my grandmother.. and the letter the University sent me to tell me I had been clocked having a foodfight in the dining hall in May 1989 and I was required to pay $40 toward cleaning, and I should think myself lucky to be treated so leniently.. I have also found that I have a quite considerable HECS debt.. oops.
Shit.
I really need to get my shit together.
Really.
It’s been 9 years since I last thought of my obligations to the government.
So the interest I must have incurred, on top of the 5 figure debt I had.. well.. shit.

Anyone have a good tax agent you can recommend?

bits..

I have had a bit of stress going on in the last few months.
And in the last few months, I have given up on the pursuit of loving..
Stress is over. [well kind of]

But, true, I am censoring myself here – because I don’t want John to know intimate details of what is going on in my love life.. [or The Doctor, if I am telling the whole truth..]

I am worried that I am getting old because I now like grapefruit..

The dog nearly died today.. He has a tendency to dramatics when he has an injection.. Today was a vaccination. He became paralysed, trembled for a bit and generally freaked me out for 4 hours.. When I spoke to the Vet Nurse about it she said ‘Sensitive little thing isn’t he? He’ll be fine..’ And, he was.

I am still houseless as far as the new town goes. Heading up there on Monday next week to try and fix that. Have no plan of attack.. feeling a little bit scared. Booked a removalist. Have a moving day. No house.

Think I have decided to sell the car as I am now driving around in a company car and feel pretty secure that I will continue to do so for another year or three.. Don’t know how to sell a used car here. Freaking out. Help and guidance greatly appreciated.

Feel a little stressed about Facebook. Have executed a couple of culls.. Sorry to the folks that have ended up on the cutting room floor. I don’t like the invitations, the drinks, the plants, the quizzes.. I also don’t like offending anyone.. but I don’t think it is a place to build friendships..

I love my new job.. but I’m intimidated by the brilliance of my co-workers. Don’t be intimidated – be inspired says my housemate.. She is clever.. but I am still intimidated..

These are my bits.

sulky girl..

I chose this blog name because of Erle Stanley Gardner [not because of Robert Palmer or Elvis Costello].. and I swear since taking it on, I have become that girl. Can I sulk? Oh my lordy yes I can.

But you know something? I sulk when I am unhappy [and when I am not in control of things]. I sulked my worst last week when Plan A cancelled out on dinner. It had been the worst week ever [my birthday week] and he knew it. I was at my sister’s new house when I sent him a message saying, I am leaving here now.. should we meet up early? He sent one back saying he was a million miles away and didn’t realise the time..
I got so angry I nearly exploded.
When I got home, I couldn’t say one word to my housemates.. not one word.. I don’t think I have ever been that angry to be speechless before.
Angry. Sulky. Man, I felt evil.
The reason I said I couldn’t see him this week is I don’t want to feel like that again. I brought it up with him last night. You do less damage when I don’t think I will see you.

We talked.. and I breathed through my sulkiness..
I realised today that the unhappier I am.. the sulkier I can become.
I have been unhappy.. I have been sulky..
I know I have only been in my job for two days – but fuck I am happy.. I don’t reckon the sulk will surface for a while..

joyous..

First day and I LOVE it. Nothing, I mean NOTHING is too much to ask. Monday/Tuesday next week I am up in my new country town scratching around for just the right house to move into.. and then I meander back to the city for a night before I head to an arts festival for two nights..

Loving my life..

Each night these last two weeks I have been yarning with Plan A.. he’s keen for a catch up this week.. I like him.. but.. because my life is too full of stuff [!] I have said no..
He makes me laugh and he’s clever.. but I know I don’t rate with him.. He is offering himself up for me this week because he cancelled dinner last week.
But. I am putting him aside for a while.
He still has a journey to go before he is available to anyone. I don’t want to put myself in his path in this early stage. I am not strong enough just now.

There is too much to do. Too much good stuff to do..

friends [nothing in the world like them]..

It’s not family who will get you through this life.. It’s the friendships you have along your journey that keep you going..

I missed a party on Friday night, because I was emotionally exhausted and not feeling social at all.. So I called Maz to apologise for not showing up yesterday morning.
Come around tonight? she suggested.
So. Taz and I took a bottle of Rosé over for dinner that evening and I was wrapped in the arms of an amazing set of friends.
Maz and her sisters are some of the most beautiful women I have ever met.. after dinner they pulled out a guitar and sang and sang and sang.. rehearsing a new Leonard Cohen song they had heard. Natural sister harmony curling around the rest of us as we talked. Their singing was part of the conversation. Not self conscious. Not expecting applause. Just there.
S and I had our heads together, holding hands and catching up.. lovely long-term pixie friend.
Her husband D called me inside to see some of his latest drawings. He’s quite a phenomenal artist. Such beautiful work. We talked long and in detail about the French pigments he had used and if his abstracted Australian landscapes were authentically represented by these imported colours..
D and I were joined by T, famous Aussie actor, and currently Aussie farmer.. [my sister squealed when I told her I was going to his wedding a few years ago.. yep.. he's that famous]..
Outside again and S and I resumed our yarn. I told the story of leaving, timelines and dates at least five times.. and as the wine set in I was asked again and again..
Taz was running around our feet like a lunatic, chased by a cattle dog who liked the taste of him. Each time they caught each other the cattle dog licked Taz’s face clean.
The hugs goodbye were long and tight [sounds like the name of a porn film?] and full of promises to visit.
In this houseful of friends I couldn’t think of anywhere nicer to be.

frightening reality..

So.. where I am going [I will get there soon I promise.. so no more prediction posts] is quite small. The area is vast, but the number of people is quite small.. I will have a very public role – and work across a whole range of sectors.. will be known to just about everyone within a year. Hell.. the real estate agent up there knew who I was even before I told her [true].. and I sure as hell don’t work in her industry.
So.
Being a member of a dating site.. well.. I had a bit of a scout around the local potential.. then started hyperventilating..
There will be a write up about me in the local paper.. there will be a ’soiree’ [true] so I can meet all the local who’s who.
I CAN’T date anyone from a dating site.. I can’t can’t can’t date anyone who met me after reading my profile which says in the headline “Don’t get your cock out in the first 30 seconds and you might get somewhere with me..” and then have them read a story about me in the local media!
I mean I COULD date from that dating site..
But.. I am freaking out about what a small town could mean to my love life..
Meeting men in the old fashioned way.

Breathing out..

dreamin’..

Wondering what to wear on my first day of work.. imagining a ceremony kind of like Obama’s inauguration.. Shouldn’t we all have live music and a designer outfit for our first day on the job?

Imagining perfect new life intercepted by glaring reality.. My dog has a scat fetish. Wears it on his pulse points like I wear my sandalwood oil.
Two Saturdays in a row..
Bugger.

last day [happy dancing]..

As of Monday I will be new again.. all the new things around me.. new people.. new desk.. new stimulation.. new arts.. not just community created but real life artists doing real life things.. [apologies to community cultural development artists out there - but I need something else in my life for a while!]

I spoke to my [new] boss the other day.. at the end of the conversation she said I am so excited about you starting on Monday.. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Someone said Wheeeeeeeee! .. about me.. I reckon that is about the nicest thing ever.

Last day at work today.. meeting.. then exit interview.. then.. depending on how bad my exit interview goes I’ll be out on my ear, or I’ll make it to 5pm..

See you at the other end of it..
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

someone turn the lights on..

Tonight out with work for my farewelling.. we got to talking about what we love and what we will miss about each other when I leave.
My friend Lis.. and I.. we have had some troubles.. but underneath it all there is love and there is respect and there is friendship.. We both teared up when she said.. It’s like your light has been switched off for months now..
I know it. I feel it.
She said she loves that I am moving away and knows it will give me space to re-invent. That is my excitement about the move as well.. I know exactly what she means about the light. I have lost a gloss and a glow.
It’s coming back.. I know it.

In other news.. on leaving the bar tonight I ran into my old love T. Recovering Alcoholic T.. New cat dad T..
Wanna come home and see my pussy? he asked.
Have you seen my pussy?
I almost lost my pussy, but it came back.
Would you like to meet my pussy?

Dja know? There are only so many pussy references a man can make in a lifetime.. I snuck away.. just as an 18 year old blonde amazon wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed him full on the mouth..
I felt certain that he would be comparing pussies within an hour.. just not with me..