dinner date..

Indeed the policeman called it a dinner date more than three times.. a date a date a date..

He called me twice today to ‘chat’ before we met. The second time was to suggest we meet earlier than the half six I had suggested.. He sounded like Mr Uber Keen.

We met in a pub half full of stragglers and horse betting drinkers.. and sat and wondered what in the hell we were here for. Then.. the stories, the communication started.. and I had laughed a dozen times before I finished my first wine.

Bathroom, head check. Yep. I liked him. At this stage it was a low level like. But, it was rising up.. slowly.

New venue, dinner. He mentioned the date the date the date again.. I said that it was more a mate check than a date – don’t you think?
More laughs.. more and more.. humour sympatico. Meeting new people can be such stimulation when it ‘works’..
By the end of the second hour and the second wine I imagined myself leaning over and kissing his laughing mouth.
I drive him back to his car at the end of the meal..
I turn the motor off.. and he is holding my hand. We talk for half an hour.. him holding my hand and me thinking he wants to kiss me too..
Impulsively I reach for his cheek and we kiss.. and kiss.. and kiss.. and then the conversation continues.. and then he is outside and checking something in the back of my car.. and then he is back inside with me and he holds my hand and kisses me.
My hand remains held and we talk some more. Briefly we talk about whether I would drink more wine at his house.. but I know I need to get home. There is no more to be done on this lovely first night.
More kissing Let me know when you make it home.. he says between our lips..

And now as I write this I can taste the trace of him.
Fuck me I love pashing.

yoghurt beard..

breakfast, or soon thereafter

If something unexpected were to happen to me, and this dog were to be alone, please (1) ring Fusion in the States as he is the co-parent.

If Fusion is unable to take Taz, then the list of potential step parents is thus..

2. My friends Leanne and Brendan and Baby A..
3. My friends Bridge and Mikey and Babies C, B and Z..
4. Nicko and Cal and baby A.
5. Deece.

That should be enough.

If something, however should happen to this dog and you are wondering who should look after me.. please buy me a whippet. Thanks.

weaker sex..

Last night at the patronising seminar thingie I picked up the complementary pen and pad on my chair.. While the presenter was talking us through ‘housekeeping, toilets and emergency exits’ I tried taking the lid from my pen.. and tried and tried and tried.. I started giggling.. it wasn’t budging.

Like handing the new sauce bottle to my brother at the Boxing Day barbie, I found myself handing my pen to the big man sitting next to me, with some useless pleading look on my face. it took him two goes but, he was able to de-cap the pen, and I spent the rest of the night doodling and not taking notes.

This morning the arrival of the special postlady [the one with the parcels] brought me the nipple clamps and mini vibe I had ordered on the weekend.
The batteries are inserted in the end of the vibe, and there is a screw top cap. Umm. I can get the batteries in.. but they seem about a half a centimeter too tall for the cap to screw down properly. I can’t get the cap to stay on. Each time I attempt to screw it down, the batteries engage, make the vibe jump and wiggle in my hands.. I can’t turn it off.
Which in turn makes me laugh.. and think two things ‘why are all my sex toys purple ? [even the nipple clamps]‘ and ‘who can I get to fix the battery situation?!’

I am such a freakin’ helpless girl sometimes..

In other news I am awake at 5am.. there is thunder, lightening and blackouts [two in the last ten minutes].. the rain is heavy.. it is so like music.

question to someone famous..

I am now a ‘fan’ of a writer on Fb.. and.. I know he wouldn’t answer a ‘fan’ personally.. but.. all I want to know is..
Do you like your old stuff better than your new stuff, just like me?

As an artist, are you contractually obligated to love and promote the new.. ? Constantly dragging the lead weight of the fans who want you to revert to the old ways.. while trying to subtly educate..

What is the curse and legacy of an early brilliance [aside from in his case, skads of money so he can write whatever he shagging well likes now as he's set for life anyways]?

some things that happened..

1. Went to a 3 hour seminar tonight on re-vitalising community organisations that had me so bored I nearly wept.. but.. it was a small room so I had to stay for fear of offending the speaker or the organisers.. The consultant was such a patronising tool!!!!!! AAARRRGGHHHHH.
2. I have started saying I am in my third trimester of my 39th year.. because I freakin’ am.. eeep!
3. I thought I had lost my mobile phone tonight.. along with all the filthy filthy filthy filthy text messages that were stored away on it.. shivers.. When I found it in the side pocket of my handbag I immediately without thinking deleted EVERY TEXT MESSAGE.. just to be freaking sure that if I did lose it sometime that no-one would be ringing my mum and disclosing to her all the nasty words I have in my vocabulary and the nasty things that make me giggle.
4. The policeman who attempted a flirtfest with me via email 2 months ago [which I absolutely refused to indulge in because I had the sneaky suspician he was fresh out of police school and was indeed 12] has emailed again asking if I had forgotten him.
5. I did some research on the policeman and found out he was in my healthy age range, so I emailed him back.
6. He emailed me back.. and now we are meeting up on Thursday for a yack and a wine and a dinner. I am calling it a date – because I think it is.
7. My dog is freshly laundered as a result of rolling in horse poo.
8. My dog walking friend has a house she is looking at renting. The dog and I went with her to have a walk through the place and see if we could imagine ourselves there.. it is.. unforch.. diagonally opposite a drug den, has that nasty varigated beige shag-pile carpet we all had in our houses in the 1980’s, and has a floor which undulates like a ship on the deep blue sea.. I had to tell her no. we wouldn’t be renting from her.. and now I feel a little guilty. I wanted to say ‘this undulating floor would warp my furniture like the bejeezus’.. but I didn’t, because I thought ‘no’ would prolly be enough.
9. I have had watermelon for dinner these last two nights. For twenty years I didn’t eat it – because I didn’t think it was very grown up to bury your snout in watermelon like a child. I love watermelon, especially when I’m snout deep in it.
10. I think saying ’snout deep’ is very ‘me’.. so I shall continue to do so at every opportunity.

a bit nice..

Yesterday I was asked to ‘open’ a new gallery in my town..
Check that, not an ‘exhibition’ opening.. a ‘gallery’.. a whole freakin’ building.

First person I call is Piano Man.
You have to come with me!
Alright, I will!

Secretly hoping he is attracted to power, influence and my public speaking performance.. Contrary to the ratio of 9/10 Australian people hating public speaking.. I love it. LOVE LOVE it. I am pretty good at it atchually.

I have booked my tickets to Paris.. I’ll be spending most of my holiday in Cologne.
Could you not have booked one for me?
I am an awful traveller when I have someone with me.. I am much better alone.

I remember the one relationship I had where I felt diminished beyond sight. He would make decisions for me. Ask occasionally what I would like, and then do the extreme opposite. I got to feeling I didn’t matter – that nothing about me was important to him.. And then, just when I felt I would disappear out of sight he would make some extravagant romantic gesture that would make me stay.

Just for a moment yesterday, I felt that same expectant [me] and controlled [he] dynamic with Piano Man. The relationship/friendship is the same, really. He has time for me when he has time for me. He cannot match my impulsive behaviour, he needs to be in control of his time. Best to be aware of this now.

Example. When I called him, he was in the thick of it right now, and asked can you call back?
I said I would. He called me ten minutes later and apologised.. we talked for a few minutes [about my gallery opening, his Cologne trip etc.] and then he had to go again, someone at the door.

He provides me with just enough of the specialness I need to make me wonder what is going on between us. Yet. He won’t be convinced to change plans to accommodate me.

Quite candidly. There are three ways I behave in relationships.. happy and even tempered [ideal, and at times acheived], intimidated [on the father figure trip..], over powerful [recently, unfortunately].

The extremes – the intimidated and the powerful are indicators that the relationship is not where I need to be. I already know where I am on the spectrum with Piano Man, and we haven’t even taken our clothes off yet..

Hmm.. this was going to be just a nice post about how excited I am to be opening a building, an arts business in my town with new friends.. and now I’ve let slip what a stuff up I am in relationships.. ohh that’s right, I’ve been writing about that for the last 3 years..

workplace harrassment..

A workmate [I quite love actually] rang me today to arrange a meeting this week. Time, check. Day, check. Place..?

Can you book us a motel room? I asked..

meeting room meeting room meeting room meeting room MEETING room dammit!

Which in turn made me think of sperm..

love rules..

All my loving life I think I have been seeking my father man. So, since early, I have loved men who are older.. older and much much much older than me. Not so secretly now. I think that is because I felt that youth was the ‘big thing’ I could offer.. I know I have written this here in this space before.

The Piano Man is ‘my type’ then. Much much older. I am suspicious of my attraction, knowing about ‘my type’.. and knowing the motivation behind the ‘type’.

So tonight I was sitting opposite an inky eyed man twelve years younger than me. I wondered at his smile when I self-consciously adjusted my top to conceal escaped lace from my bra. I wondered. I wondered.

Shrug. I don’t know. I felt quite weird that I was wondering about a man so young.
But why don’t I feel weird when the man is older?
Programming.
Bloody men.

Tired.
Night night.

dual

Dear readers who may almost possibly have abandoned me for being a crap non reciprocal blog mate.
I am finding it really hard to comment lately because comments boxes with word verifications won’t recognise my sulkygirl wordpress name..

I will try to comment from my blogger name – Kimba. Not all of you know I have a dual personality.. hmm? but I do/did.

Sorry – I haven’t been ‘absent’ or ignoring you.. it’s been you who have been rejecting me.

my nerves and the blocking thereof..

Last night the conversation early was of nerves and how to curb them.. of adrenalin.. and medication to manage symptoms.

His nerves manifest in a shaky left hand [not fantastic if you earn your money from piano].. he takes some beta blocking meds before performance now.
Nerves. I have had them from time to time.. the sick in the pit of your bits feelings.. but that is about it. From time to time I have butterflies [just wrote 'bitterflies'.. and I know what that means too.].. but generally I get over myself pretty quickly and carry on nerveless without intervention.

We talked about anti-depressants. I have never taken them – but feel that my constant state is so like I am on anti-d’s.. there are rare mood swings with me.. More so in the last two years – less so before that.. and I am feeling like I am evening out again. No highs no lows.
The previous two years – the mood swingy ones – are to do with control and the lack thereof. I know what that was about. Now I have hit some semblance of stability in my life again and the moodswings, the nerves, the passions have disappeared again.

I worry about the disappearance of the passions.
I am writing this because I need to. There is a reason for this post – but it is not for you to know.

Today is a vulnerable day – yesterday was shining brilliance [except for the mid afternoon headache]. Tomorrow will be another day..